Relationships require Reciprocity

It’s about relationships and how the heck it pertains to your dog, too

Clients often complain to me that their dogs ignore them, but they don’t realize this is because they are ignoring their dogs. Relationships are built on communication and communication is a reciprocal process.

When there is no reciprocity, the relationship breaks down.

I’m sure most people can relate. You’ve had that friend or relative that would never reach out. You’re always the one who calls them first, but when you call, they always seem genuinely happy to hear from you, and you catch up as if you hadn’t missed a beat. But they never reciprocate and take the initiative to contact you. If you’re like most people, you eventually stop reaching out to them. And the relationship dissolves.  A one-sided relationship isn’t rewarding and giving more than you receive can be exhausting. Commitment is sustained through the improvement of reward-cost balance in relationships. If someone isn’t paying attention to you or giving anything back – why bother?

Your dog feels the same way.

The failure to communicate effectively and nurture cooperation is root cause of the vast majority of problems owners come to me with. A disconnect. The owner is busy staring at their phone, ignoring the dog, who is reactive, frustrated and insecure on leash, exploding when others dogs or triggers (bikes, cars, people) pass by, and the owner is helpless, embarrassed, and angry at the “bad” dog. The owner gives multiple meaningless commands and the dog dutifully disobeys. The dog pulls wildly at the leash, trying to get where he’s going, and the owner accommodates, making excuses for his excitement, but does nothing to help the dog understand how to walk properly on a leash. I might be excited to get to a party, but that doesn’t mean I can drive 80 mph in a 30 mph zone. Neither should your dog (would that he could drive).

If you fail to be attentive to your dog, he’ll disconnect. If you miss or ignore your dog’s subtle communication, he’ll soon stop trying and will disconnect. If you don’t have a connection with your dog, you can’t communicate, provide any guidance, or teach him anything. You and your dog need to be invested in the relationship, you need to be aware of each other. No, this doesn’t mean you need to be staring lovingly into each other’s eyes at all times. Awareness can be as simple as our dog checking in with you – a head turn, an ear flick in your direction, a shift in his eyes – and you checking in with him. Have you ever turned your head to see what has attracted your dog’s attention? Do you notice him sniffing the air for something? Can you read shifts in your dog’s posture?

Reciprocity. You and your dog need to be mutually aware, you both need to contribute to the relationship for it to succeed. Start rewarding your dog for checking in with you and he’ll reward you with his willingness to take direction from you. Start guiding him and giving him direction, and he’ll reward you with good behavior. You must be present in your relationship with your dog.

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

How NOT to solve resource guarding

I’m motivated to write this following a phone conversation I had last night with a potential client. This woman called and said she adopted a 2 year old dog on Saturday. The rescue warned her the dog has certain aggressive and resource guarding tendencies. She went on to tell me that the dog is wonderful (she's had it for what, three days?) and she is able to put her hand in the dog's mouth while it is eating without any problem. Yikes!!! This is NOT the way to address or prevent resource guarding. She doesn't believe what the rescue told her. I told her the dog hasn't settled in and decompressed yet, and said the behaviors the rescue was seeing may emerge in her home with time. She wasn't buying that. She will probably get bitten, and perhaps will call me back at that time...

I can take food from my dogs, pet them, etc while they are eating. But I don't. And won't. And I didn't accomplish this by sticking my hand in their bowl while they're eating. That isn't training your dog, it is harassing your dog.

It is a Recipe For Disaster

I’m sure many of you can identify with this. Don’t you get super irritated when someone reaches into your plate when you’re eating? You might tolerate it a couple of times, but when someone keeps it up, you get annoyed and you might snap at them. So does your dog, literally.

By pestering your hungry dog and refusing to let him eat in peace, you are teaching your dog that he must defend his food with the only tools he has – his teeth. Keep it up and your dog will start becoming defensive if you even walk by while he’s eating.

𝐘𝐞𝐬, 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐝𝐨𝐠 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐰𝐥. You should be able to add items to it while he’s eating, or, if for some reason it is necessary, be able to take it away from him without conflict. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠. You establish trust, respect, and cooperation outside of mealtime so that it can be transferred (generalized) to mealtime. Let your dog eat in peace.

Keep mealtime calm and peaceful. Require the same good manners from your dog that you ask for in every other aspect of life. If you are starting with a puppy, ask him to sit before you put the bowl down. But don’t make him sit and stare at his food for an eternity before you release him. If he remains sitting while you place the bowl, calmly release him and allow him to eat. You can also use some of his food for a brief training session before he gets to eat the rest of it, but keep it fun. Follow the same procedure if you have just brought an older dog into your home.

If you did end up with a resource guarding dog you’ll need to do some behavior modification to help him feel secure while eating and not be defensive. The dog will need to learn to trust you and cooperate with you. This is a gradual process that begins with exercises you might think have nothing to do with resource guarding, but will gradually turn your snarly eater into a happy diner who knows you aren’t there to take his food.

It all begins with an idea.