Relationships Require Reciprocity
It’s about relationships and how the heck it pertains to your dog, too
Clients often complain to me that their dogs ignore them, but they don’t realize this is because they are ignoring their dogs. Relationships are built on communication and communication is a reciprocal process.
When there is no reciprocity, the relationship breaks down.
I’m sure most people can relate. You’ve had that friend or relative that would never reach out. You’re always the one who calls them first, but when you call, they always seem genuinely happy to hear from you, and you catch up as if you hadn’t missed a beat. But they never reciprocate and take the initiative to contact you. If you’re like most people, you eventually stop reaching out to them. And the relationship dissolves. A one-sided relationship isn’t rewarding and giving more than you receive can be exhausting. Commitment is sustained through the improvement of reward-cost balance in relationships. If someone isn’t paying attention to you or giving anything back – why bother?
Your dog feels the same way.
The failure to communicate effectively and nurture cooperation is root cause of the vast majority of problems owners come to me with. A disconnect. The owner is busy staring at their phone, ignoring the dog, who is reactive, frustrated and insecure on leash, exploding when others dogs or triggers (bikes, cars, people) pass by, and the owner is helpless, embarrassed, and angry at the “bad” dog. The owner gives multiple meaningless commands and the dog dutifully disobeys. The dog pulls wildly at the leash, trying to get where he’s going, and the owner accommodates, making excuses for his excitement, but does nothing to help the dog understand how to walk properly on a leash. I might be excited to get to a party, but that doesn’t mean I can drive 80 mph in a 30 mph zone. Neither should your dog (would that he could drive).
If you fail to be attentive to your dog, he’ll disconnect. If you miss or ignore your dog’s subtle communication, he’ll soon stop trying and will disconnect. If you don’t have a connection with your dog, you can’t communicate, provide any guidance, or teach him anything. You and your dog need to be invested in the relationship, you need to be aware of each other. No, this doesn’t mean you need to be staring lovingly into each other’s eyes at all times. Awareness can be as simple as our dog checking in with you – a head turn, an ear flick in your direction, a shift in his eyes – and you checking in with him. Have you ever turned your head to see what has attracted your dog’s attention? Do you notice him sniffing the air for something? Can you read shifts in your dog’s posture?
Reciprocity. You and your dog need to be mutually aware, you both need to contribute to the relationship for it to succeed. Start rewarding your dog for checking in with you and he’ll reward you with his willingness to take direction from you. Start guiding him and giving him direction, and he’ll reward you with good behavior. You must be present in your relationship with your dog.
